Estrangement from adult daughter due to her w/Pentacostal fiancee
            QUESTION from Colleen on February 22, 2004

My daughter and I have been devoted Catholics for her 22 years. She's planning to marry a Fundamental Pentacostal and they've decided to "shop" for a non-denominational church. She told me she would still attend mass and Eucharist w/us and she would "always" be Catholic, but they want to worship together. His parents are very upset about him thinking about leaving the Pentacostal faith. They are about to be engaged.

I am heartbroken, I over reacted, she left Feb. 4th and moved to LA (from Florida) and we have not spoken because I'm working w/psychiatrist/counseling. I'm upset that I got so upset and that because she's in love its only natural that they want to worship together, but I'm pained that it appeared easy for her but others say its not.

I've been praying asking God to show me why I turned my own daughter out and when is defending our faith appropriate and when should we "shut up"?

I'm suffereing depression and isolation over this, I have not left my home for two months or seen anyone other than my immediate family. It appears that I'm wanting to be in control and its "My way or the highway", but I sincerely feel that I'm hurt and angry and sad because all those years of Catholic instruction went away when she fell in love and he is fundamental to the max and she's already told him she won't attend the Pentacostal Church.

Should I see my priest or a spiritual director? I'm a spiritual director by training and my heart tells me to not hurt my daughter anymore, to pray for her and her Catholic faith and let her be.

God Bless you. Colleen

             ANSWER by Staff on March 1, 2004

Dear Colleen:

We will certainly be in prayer for you and your daughter and her "intended". From what you have described it certainly sounds like you have developed a depression. Please continue to see your doctor about this as counseling and/or medication may help you to break the depression.

It would also be wise to talk to your spiritual director or pastor as well.

From what you have described things may not be as bad as it sounds.

If you daughter gets married in a Catholic Wedding, then her marriage will be valid. She will have to get permission from the Bishop to marry a non-Catholic (which her paster will probably get for her), but as long as the Wedding is a Catholic Wedding, the marriage will be valid.

The second issue is that it sounds like your daughter intends to remain Catholic and attend Mass. This is a good thing. It is not permissible to participate in non-Catholic worship services, but as to mere attending with her husband, perhaps your pastor can shed some light on that.

The third issues is that your daughter MUST promise to raise the children Catholic.

With all this said, it is foolish for her to marry a non-Catholic and especially foolish to marry s fundamentalist Pentecostal. This marriage, frankly, is a accident waiting to happen. It will not likely succeed unless she abandons her faith and comes to the husband's "side" in the long run.

Nevertheless, if the following are true, then your daughter can remain a good Catholic:

  1. marriage must be a Catholic wedding before a priest or deacon and with the Bishop's permission or the marriage will be invalid in the eyes of God and the Church, and she will not be able to receive communion. To be eligible for a Catholic Wedding she must:

    • must undergo (with her intended) pre-Cana counseling with a priest.

    • promise (and obviously the husband must agree) to raise the children Catholic (not inter-denominational, but Catholic).

    • remove any stumblingblock that may influence her to defect from the Church.

  2. she must attend Sunday Mass each Sunday, and participate in the Sacraments (confession, Eucharist).

  3. she cannot participate as a "participant" in her husband's church (though I am not sure about "visiting as a guest")

We will pray that your daughter will truly remain Catholic and do nothing to damage her Catholic Faith and standing in the Church. We will also pray for the husband that he will allow her to live out her Catholic Faith, and that of the children, without interference or pressure.

These points need to be give to your daughter. She needs to understand what she needs to do to maintain good standing in the Catholic Church and what the consequences are if she doesn't.

We will also pray for you.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

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