Giving up
As I write this, I'm not in a state of grace. I doubt I ever will be again.
I suffer from dysthymic disorder, which means I'm depressed most, if not all the time, and that's not when major depression hits me. This is aggravated by my lack of a job, lack of friends, bills that need to be paid, etc. Since I'm capable of feeling pleasure, but not happiness, I pursue it through pornography and masturbation. I know they're mortal sins, but they give me some respite. Yes, I've gone to Confession, but I always return to these old habits. Thus, I haven't gone to Confession for several months since I know I can't sincerely repent, I know I'll fall again.
I barely have enough energy to get out of bed let alone try to fight this. In the end, it's my will that has to do the work and it's not up to the task. As I read the archive of this site, I came upon references of Teresa of Avila's vision of a nun who was in hell for failing to confess one mortal sin. I can argue both how her fate was unfair and fair. It just makes the eye of the needle the size of an subatomic particle. Yes, I could go to Confession, but I know I'll screw up and then go to hell for that one mistake, regardless of sincerity.
So what if I have far more difficulty talking to people in person, even with a screen, than I do writing this post in safe isolation and don't confess to a sin out of embarrassment as that nun did, I'll go to hell.
Already, I'm thinking of your response and how it might "inspire" me to try again, thinking of how I'll fail again. I failed in everything I've tried in this life, why not on the other side? The battle may have been won, but I still need to do my part and that's the weak part of the plan. The only reason I'm still around is my fear of Hell, but as you can tell from this post, that might not hold. I'm sorry I don't have a question in this post, but thank you listening, even if you respond.
QUESTION from Mikhail on June 5, 2004
ANSWER by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM on June 7, 2004
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Dear Mikhail: I am sorry you are going through this valley of tears, but I have no words to tell you just how utterly wrong you are about the nature of mortal sin, confession, and hell. You express that you cannot repent because you know that you will go back to the sin. This is NOT the definition of repentance. One cannot repent from what they have not yet done. Let me ask you some questions:
1. Do you want to offend God with this sin? If you can answer "yes" to these things then you have successfully repented. When we go to confession we bring to the Sacrament the sins we have committed, not sins that have not happened yet. Even if we pretty much know that we will sin the very next day, the confession TODAY is still a good confession if you have contrition and purpose of amendment. Jesus was asked how often we should forgive someone. He replied, "Seventy times Seventy." Even if you commit this sin daily Sunday through Saturday, then go to confession Saturday afternoon, your confession is a good one if you offer contrition and purposes of amendment. This is true even if you end up sinning later that Saturday night. Future sins are not counted against you. Knowing you will likely commit the sin again is not held against you. The issue is are you contrite about the sin and are you willing to try to quit. Confession can be like medicine for an illness. A single pill usually does not heal the disease. The doctor gives you 20 pills for 20 days perhaps. The disease of Sin can be the same. The Sin may not be healed until after you have been going to Confession every week for 10 years. You must try, you must trust in God that He understands your situation. I work with people with sexual addictions. I have had a sexual addiction myself. I know personally what you are feeling about "knowing" sin will happen again and again even after confession week after week after week. I can also tell you from experience that going to confession weekly, plus take medication has broken the back of this addiction. Medications such as Zoloft can help tremendously in addictions and can help with depression as well. What you must do is go to a doctor about your depression, go to confession weekly if necessary, and trust in God. Now, if you really want to go to hell, that is your decision, but I doubt that you want to go to hell. Since you do not want to go to hell, God provides you a way to escape the bondage of sin. That way includes medicine and includes the Sacraments and includes religious devotions and prayer. You say you have failed in life. Maybe you have, I do not know. No matter how big a loser we are, we are children of God and because of that we are valuable to God. God does not want you to go to hell, you do not want to go to hell, the Church does not want you to go to hell, I do not want you to go to hell, so why go there? You have the means, in the Church, to avoid hell. See a doctor about the depression, see a priest in Confession about the sin, see our Lord in the Sacrament to be healed.
We will be praying for you, |