ANSWER by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM on June 3, 2004

Dear Mira: I applaud your dedication and commitment to your marriage. So many get divorced so quickly. I know from personal experience that adultery does not have to end a marriage. With that said, we cannot tie our spouses to the house. If they are determined to leave, they will leave. In my case, my wife ran off with another man. There is little question in my mind, from what you are telling me, that your marriage to this man may not be sacramental. Of course, I cannot say that definitively, only the Church can make that determination after an investigation of your marriage. Eventually it is likely that your husband will file for divorce, unless he repents (which is something we can pray about). In fact, I recommend that you pray the following Hedge Prayer for your husband (these are located on our website: Click here to view the entire Prayer Catalog). This Hedge Prayer is the The Prayer of Hosea. The prayer is one of the most powerful prayers in the arsenal of spiritual warfare . Hosea had a wife who was committing adultery and running around on him. Hosea was convinced that he not divorce her but to pray for her return. This prayer is particularly useful in praying for a wayward spouse, child, or friend who has gone astray from the Faith and from God, has left to lead an improper life, and/or is estranged from the proper relationship they should have with you. It should be noted, as it is with all prayer, the Hedge Prayer is not a magic bullet. There are no guarantees that the person prayed for will return. We must always remember that God has given his children the freedom to choose -- even the freedom to choose wrongly. No one, not even God, may force a person against their will to do anything. God, however, is a mighty persuader and although He will not intrude upon one's freedom to choose the course of one's own actions, He may provide the person with great incentive, motivation, and circumstances to help them decide to come back to the place they should be. For she said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.' Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns; and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths. She shall pursue her lovers, but not overtake them; and she shall seek them, but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better with me then than now.' --Hosea 2:5b-7 Here is the prayer. I have modified it to fit your situation. A generic example of this prayer is in the Catalog whereby one can plug-in different circumstances other than marriage: Hedge Prayer for Return of Wayward Husband Trusting in the promise that whatever we ask the Father in Jesus' name He will do, I now approach You Father with confidence in Our Lord's words and in Your infinite power and love for me and for [husband's name] and with the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of God, the Blessed Apostles Peter and Paul, Blessed Archangel Michael, the guardian angels of myself and [husband's name] , with all the saints and angels of heaven, and Holy in the power of His blessed Name, as ask you Father to send forth Your Spirit to convict [husband's name] and to allow him to see any and all wrongs that he has done and how they offend Your infinite goodness. Father I ask in sorrow, knowing that You do not intrude upon free will, but that You can give Divine Influence like you did with Hosea's wife, that You send a hedge of thorns and wall around [husband's name] so that he cannot find the paths that lead him away from me and our marriage and family; and though he shall pursue his adultery and sinful ways, he will not find pleasure or solace in his adulterous relationships; though he shall seek to run away from You Lord and from me and his family, he shall not find a home anywhere but with me and his children; that no matter what path or what sinful relationship he seeks he shall not find satisfaction or happiness until he returns to me, his wife, and to our family where he may then be taught by Your Holy Spirit the true meaning of marriage and fatherhood and family, and to be a good and loving husband and father, and to know the ways of righteousness and true love in marriage and family. Father, I am powerless against these spiritual forces and recognize my utter dependence on You and Your power. Look with mercy upon me and upon [husband's name] . Do not look upon our sins, O Lord; rather, look at the sufferings of your Beloved Son and see the Victim who's bitter passion and death has reconciled us to You. By the victory of the cross, protect us from all evil and rebuke any evil spirits who are attacking or influencing us in any way. Send them back to Hell or to wherever Your Will directs, and place a wall of protection around this marriage and family. Send your Holy Angels to watch over us and protect us. Father, all of these things I ask in the most holy name of Jesus Christ, Your Son. Thank you, Father, for hearing my prayer. I love You, I worship You, I thank You and I trust in You. Amen. As to your questions, I understand your desire to see your husband return to the Lord, but you cannot be responsible for him. He makes his own decisions and you must make yours. Your primary duty is to protect your own soul and the souls of your children. Your duty to your husband is to pray for his soul and for him to return to God, but that is as far as it can go. The decisions you make for yourself and your children must be made regardless of what happens to your husband in this life or the next. With that said, to your First Question about whether you can get an annulment if your husband divorces you? As mentioned earlier, it seems to me that you would have sufficient grounds for annulment. But that cannot be determined except by the Marriage Tribunal of your diocese. Application for Marriage Nullity cannot be made, however, until after the civil divorce. On the Second Question about receiving the Sacraments if you husband divorces you and you do not seek an annulment? While the act of divorce is normally, though not always, a sin for the person who seeks it or agrees to it, and it may be sin for whatever a person has done to contribute to the failure of the marriage, these are sins like any other sin that can be forgiven in the Sacrament of Confession. Thus you are not "in sin" by merely being in a state of a divorced person. The only time that you would not be permitted to receive the Sacrament is if you remarry without obtaining an annulment. An annulment is not even necessary or required should a divorce takes place, unless you wish to be a Religious Sister or Nun, or wish to remarry. Bottomline: If you are divorced and do not have an annulment, you are still in good standing with the Church and may partake of the Eucharist under the normal conditions as long as you do not remarry. On the Third Question about the ramifications to your husband if you get an annulment? The ramifications are the same as they are for you. An Annulment declares that your marriage never existed as a Sacramental marriage in the eyes of God. Thus, if granted an annulment, in God's eyes, you two were never married. Thus both of you are able to marry again legitimately. If an annulment is granted, by the way, this has no ramifications for the children. Your children are still "legitimate" because even if not Sacramentally married in the eyes of God you were validly married in the eyes and laws of the state. The issue of the legitimacy of children is mostly an issue for civil law, not Church law. On the issue of receiving the Eucharist it appears that you are thinking that you cannot receive the Eucharist now or ever without an annulment. This is NOT true. You can receive the Eucharist right now under the usual prerequisites, and you need to begin to do so. Being separated, or even divorced, does not place you in a "state of continual sin". Any responsibility you have in the failure of the marriage can be brought to the Sacrament of Confession and absolved like any other sin. Thus, as long as there is no mortal sin on your soul, or on his soul, the fact of being separated or even divorced does NOT prohibit you or your husband from receiving the Eucharist. Of course, if your husband is fornicating, then he cannot receive Communion until he repents, as is true of all of us. I know and appreciate how hard you have tried to keep the marriage going. I know and appreciate how much you ache for your husband's soul. The fact of the matter, however, is that you cannot be responsible for your husband's actions or for his soul. He makes his own decisions and does as he wishes to his own soul. What you can do is to pray for him and for his soul. Pray the Hedge Prayer for him, pray that he will repent, pray that even if he never returns to you, that he will at least get his life right with God before it is too late. This is what you can do and should do. I understand what you are going through since I went through some of the same things in my "marriage". I was divorced some 25 years ago when my wife ran off with another man. Much later when I converted to the Catholic Church in 1992, the Church granted an annulment based upon immaturity of myself and my wife to truly know the meaning and sacramentality of marriage. We will be in prayer for you and your husband and your family as you do through these hard times and make some hard decisions. God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary