Intimacy in Marriage
I have been in a Catholic marriage for 20 years, and have 2 children. As I have grown older, I have become more conscious of things I was taught in Catholic school in the 50's and early 60's - and also by my father, namely, that all sex in marriage, even with the intention of having children, is a venial sin, and that to enjoy marital intimacy "too much," to enjoy physical pleasure (especially by the man) is mortally sinful. St. Augustine has been cited to me as one authority who taught this. My parents moved into separate bedrooms when my mother was no longer old enough to bear children, as they wanted to avoid sin.
When younger, I rejected that view, but with age and an increasing sense of mortality (I am now in my 50's), I am feeling increasingly guilty about intimacy with my wife, about receiving Communion on Sunday after intimacy with my wife the night before. I have not brought this up in confession as "anything goes" nowadays, and I want my concern to be taken seriously.
Can you provide any guidance to me? Where is the "dividing line" (if there is one)between what may be permissible to enjoy in marriage (if anything is), and when physical marital pleasure becomes sinful or lustful? Thank you!
QUESTION from Jim on May 17, 2004
ANSWER by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM on May 23, 2004
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Dear Jim: I am sorry to have to say, with all due respect to your father, but your father was utterly and totally wrong. In fact what your father taught you is closing in on heresy. There were more than one heresy, if I remember right, who believed that the material world was evil, including sex. At the moment I do not remember which heresies that believed this. In any event, sex between married couples is no sin in any sense, venial or mortal. In fact, the Bible tells us that a married couple should not deny themselves the marital embrace. The purpose of sex is unitive and procreative. Even when the procreative is no longer possible due to injury, diseases, or age, the unitive factor is still present. I am sorry that you would taught the way you were taught, but you need to throw out everything your father told you about this. There is no need to feel guilty. God intends that husbands and wives enjoy the unitive nature of the marital embrace for as long as they are physically able to do it. If you and your wife with mutual self-giving to one another in your marital embrace, then there is no dividing line. A husband forcing his wife would be rape. That crosses the line. A husband or wife treating their partner as a mere sex toy for self-gratification is crossing the line. But the mutual self-giving to each other in love is never a sin for a married couple. Bottomline: you do not sin in the marital embrace even if that is done on Sunday morning and later going to Mass.
God Bless, |