Problems in marriage
            QUESTION from Annette on April 12, 2004

Dear Brother Ignatius, I wrote you an email which I would like to attach this one to. I found more time to communicate, for which I had a few more issues that need to be mentioned. I wrote previously under "problem husband." I have had so much chaos in my life that I sometimes feel that I've been blessed with stubborness beyond most people's ability to deal and stick with, as regards issues with my husband. Besides previously mentioned problems I've had, he also has the distasteful habit of walking around with his boxer shorts and no regular pants - even when his grown children come over. I've layed into him about this, and of course he gets on the defensive and states that it's his house, and he can do what he wants. He has paraded around in front of our teenage son (15 yo) totally nude after coming out of the shower or going into the bathroom, and doesn't seem to worry about being seen. He justifies it by saying that men and boys all share showers in the swimming pavillion. I stated that it's true, but that he is not giving an example of modesty at home. Is he acting this way, because I've not gotten along with him - always demasculating him - for many years but out of frustration? I understand my faults perfectly but I don't quit easily. I've wanted to stick it out with him to keep a family for our son. I love my husband - at times - when he is acting normal. Sometimes he looks so wounded or so humble, and not so oppositional or arrogant - and then I like him more. I've noticed that since last year his gotten really crummy. He states that he wants to get well and get a job. But he has a lot of anger and resentment over my always harping on him all our married life. It is true. I've always harped on him for not working enough, not helping out, etc. We've been to numerous counselors during our married life, but either I gave up or he did - I can't even remember any more. I know I was unhappy starting out my marriage with his mother living with us the first four years. Right now, we have been struggling with finances. No car, no phone until his mother moved in with us. I charged a lot on credit cards because I suppose I have been so unhappy. So I've just gotten out of the collections with several companies. Now we are trying to get caught up. The house we live in has been deteriorating because my husband never kept things up. He told me once that my nagging made him depressed. I'm sure it did and does. One last thing, about 5 years ago, when I got him kicked out of the home - this is why it transpired. I came home from work tired, and it was Friday. We had volunteered the weekend before with helping to paint at our parish for the day. I anticpated that I would help that following Saturday again. But I was so tired, when I came home, and saw dishes piled in the sink, and my husband in his usual position, at the computer - that I flipped out. I was ranting and raving and saying I was too tired to paint on that Saturday. Then he went on about how I gave my word. I never really gave my word to anyone per se. But he wouldn't give it up. I don't know if that is an ADD thing or what. But things got physical - sort of. I was thrown out of the house, but not before he shoved me on the couch. I went to the police and filed a restraining order. I was separated for two years. The my husband found a baptist counselor who got us back together. As soon as that happened, he was not interested in getting counseling for us to get along living together. He talked about getting another one, because he felt this counselor (a woman) was favoring me, and didn't like men. Whatever! My husband, basically, is not a physical person. He is very laid back and I am just the opposite. But I'm sure that my exasperation with his laid back and lazy attitude has really brought out the worst in him. Also, he is a very religious person. He has gone to daily mass for years, prays the divine mercy prayer a lot, and is very orthodox. But he has these problems. I've forgiven him for the past but I don't think he has forgiven me, nor has my son forgiven me for having him removed for two years. I want to keep the marriage because of my son, and also because I feel that there is a demonic activity going on that is trying to destroy us. I don't want to give up my marriage for that. Can you give me your input as to what you think is going on? Is it just a problem with the two of us, or me? Again, thank you for your time and patience reading all of this. I know I feel a lot better now just relaying all this to you to read. Annette